I’ve lost count of the number of CEOs and senior leaders who’ve recently told me the same story in different words.
There was someone on their team whose behaviour had slipped. They were dismissive in meetings, not behaving in line with the company values, arriving late and simply not delivering. These leaders noticed it early. They knew it wasn’t right. They knew it wasn’t aligned with the culture they were working hard to build.
But they avoided the conversation.
Not paused. Not delayed. Avoided.
And these are not timid leaders. These are smart, capable, top tier decision makers. Yet even they struggle with the same thing: the discomfort of calling out poor behaviour. Research backs this up. Only about 31 percent of leaders feel genuinely comfortable having difficult conversations. A VitalSmarts study found 70 percent of employees avoid tough conversations with their boss, colleagues or direct reports.
Avoidance isn’t a lack of skill. It’s a very human reaction.
Leaders often tell themselves they will address the issue when things calm down. When there’s more time. When the business isn’t under pressure. When the person is in a better headspace. But the timing never becomes perfect and the problem grows rapidly in the background.
And this is where the real cost begins.
When poor behaviour goes unchecked, it sets a silent precedent. Others notice. Standards shift. Trust changes shape. The leader ends up carrying much more stress than they realise. Their joy at work starts to erode. Focus drifts. They overthink. They feel responsible for holding everything together. And without saying a word, the employee gains a kind of control. Not because they are powerful, but because the leader has stepped back from leading.
I’ve sat across from CEOs who eventually had no choice but to deal with the fallout. In several cases the employee left and what was uncovered afterwards caused even deeper damage. Missed deadlines. Poor client interactions. Behaviour that had been hidden or rationalised. The cost to culture, workload and trust was far higher than the discomfort of the conversation they had avoided.
When leaders share this issue with me, I share something that consistently switches a lightbulb on. Something I learnt the hard way!
You cannot control how someone will respond. You can only control you. Your intent. Your preparation. Your emotional regulation. Your body language. Your timing.
And it’s a game changer!
Once leaders grasp this, stress dials down and authority returns. The conversation becomes a choice, not a threat. It releases the pressure valve and almost flips the dynamic entirely!
Why? Because, when you are simply raising an issue that isn’t right, and your intent is to do just that and give the person the opportunity to change and work out what that looks like – it’s a very different dynamic. It shifts from confrontation to clarity. It gives the employee a choice. And once communication begins, it becomes infinitely easier to continue.
If you are a leader facing this right now, here are five tips to help you take action.
- Get clear on your intent. Know why the behaviour needs addressing and how it is impacting the business.
- Intervene early. The problem is always smaller on day one. It’s also fairer to everyone involved.
- Be specific about what you’ve seen and the impact it has created. Don’t use vague or ambiguous
- language. Be specific and provide examples.
- Manage your own state. Breathe, slow down, stay anchored. Preparation helps you show up clear and confident.
- Agree on next steps and follow up. Leadership is accountability in action and crucial when you’re creating change.
Avoidance feels easier in the moment, but it always costs more in the long run. The strongest leaders aren’t the ones who never feel discomfort. They’re the ones who choose to lead anyway.
And every single leader I have spoken to in this situation has said, “I wish I had addressed this earlier.”
Now you can!